We Need To Talk: Why Men Struggle to Talk ABout Emotions
(Not) Hanging Out With The Boys
“Yeah, let me know when you want to hang out.” It’s what they always say. My guy friends. Every time I see one of my friends at a group happening. Or, when I make a new interesting male acquaintance. I should let them know when we should meet again. I used to do it too, always half-spiritedly inviting others to hang out with me. As if shifting the responsibility to the other side, we want them to do the reaching-out and take the risk of approaching us.
We all do it nowadays, especially men. It seems that there’s a barrier of sorts, between us and our emotions. In my late twenties, willingly and unwillingly, through experiences, encounters, conversations, and relationships I’ve had to painstakingly break this barrier, piece by piece. I’ve begun to recognize and show my emotions, to open up and be honest about my feelings, in front of friends, my parents, and my partners. It was quite scary and sometimes very painful. It is possible, though, and it feels liberating. Most crucially, talking with others about my emotions enabled me to discover and address internal struggles which have been bothering me for some time, both consciously and subconsciously.
Yet, it’s not all rainbows and butterflies. Despite my best efforts of getting more in touch with my emotions, I still find it difficult to reach out to my male friends. Some of them are scattered around the world. We don't really talk nowadays. Nobody picks up the phone to text, let alone to put himself out there for a phone call. It’s the same story I hear from the few male friends that I am in contact with. Nobody is surprised though, most claim that this is how men are. We are rational, not emotional. It’s in our nature, biologically. Men are not able to expose themselves emotionally like that.
It’s Just How Men Are, NOT
Still, as I’ve recently discovered the power of opening up to others, I know for a fact that it is possible. Just like women, men are human beings, and we are equally affected by our feelings. Men’s decisions and actions are shaped by emotions, not just by cognitive processes, since we are not entirely rational organisms. The fact that men often become irrationally angry and, in some cases, even violent, illustrates that our behavior is indeed influenced by emotions rather than by reason alone (Murphy, 2024).
So, if it’s not a question of natural ability we’re born with or without, it must be that there are factors after birth that shape our relationship with emotionality. This is where upbringing and male socialization come into play. Research shows that boys are taught from an early age to suppress emotions such as sadness or fear in order to conform to masculine norms, while anger and aggression are tolerated or even encouraged (Brody, 2010). Male adolescents consistently report suppressing their feelings due to cultural expectations, fear of peer ridicule, lack of parental emotional support and internalized beliefs about strength and control (Ahmmed & Khan, 2024). As a result, many men are neither willing to show their emotions because of deep fears and insecurities, nor do they know how to express them due to the social stigma attached to vulnerability. In effect, they have never learned what it means to be in touch with their feelings and consequently how to articulate them.
We Them Boyz Who Don’t Talk
Whatever the cause for men’s difficulty in expressing emotions, it is the way that we are socialized which sits at the root (Nordin et al., 2024). Social norms, passed on decade after decade, have shaped the fear and shame associated with being vulnerable, crying and opening up about how we feel (Wagner & Reifegerste, 2024). The problem is, if we refuse to share how we feel with others, we can barely expect them to know if we are truly doing well. Men cannot call for support if we do not communicate. Eventually, this lack of disclosure and the resulting disconnection can leave us stuck by ourselves, isolated from our friends, family and partners, which is place closely linked to loneliness and even increased suicide risk (Bennett et al., 2024).
Not having the ability to open up and talk about your feelings could not only be a hurdle in everyday relationships with people, but could have dangerous effects on men's mental health such as isolation, loneliness, depression, violence, crime, etc. Statistics show that around three out of every four suicides are committed by men (Men’s Health Forum, 2017). In Germany, for example, in 2021, the suicide rate per 100,000 people was 18.4 for males, compared to 7.6 for females (WHO, 2021). Moreover, the last research on global homicide rates from 2017 shows that 90% of all crime perpetrators are male (UN, 2017). When men are affected by difficult issues, their response is usually to ignore them. Denial of dark thoughts and emotions is the coping mechanism for guys to try and get over the feelings of desolation within them (Bennett et al., 2024). Men refuse to reach out or to talk about their emotions, keeping a straight face and staying firm, because that is what society has taught us for ages.
Data is not the only supporting argument here. Anecdotes from every guy’s daily life can confirm the statistics. My own male friends don’t reach out as much as my female friends, or in fact, don’t reach out at all for months at a time. Even if things in their lives get tough, they wouldn’t talk about it. Even if I ask most guys how they are doing, it’s usually a short “good” that comes back. Other people seem to notice the same problem (Reddit, 2022). Instead of facing, processing and talking about their feelings, men are socialized to sit at home, play video games, drink, fight with their partners, go to the gym to let the energy out, and so on. Talk about work and hobbies is not excluded. But speaking on how we’re really feeling is not really on the menu.
It sometimes, or actually very rarely, happens – mostly in situations where the issues are severe and there’s no way around them but to talk about them. Men often delay disclosing their mental or psychological struggles, a trend well-documented in research on mental illness stigma and self-concealment, which highlights how hiding distress leads to increased psychological burden and compromised coping capacity (McKenzie et al., 2022). Many men rely on dysfunctional coping strategies such as denial, emotional suppression or substance use until crises escalate, leaving them with fewer adaptive options (Bilsker et al., 2018). Stigma further compounds this delay, as men frequently avoid disclosing symptoms out of fear of being judged as weak, which restricts social support and makes effective coping even harder (McKenzie et al., 2022).
I usually hear about my male friends’ relationship struggles, for example, through their female partners, or via our common girl friends. Then, I have to reach out to the guy and ask him what’s really going on in his life, how they are feeling, and if they need support in any way. It’s never happened that the call for support actively came from a male friend, not once. Even when they are struggling and could use a listening ear or advice, nobody reaches out, reflecting a broader pattern in which men consistently delay or avoid seeking support due to traditional masculine norms of stoicism and self-reliance (Smith & Hebdon, 2023).
Let’s Start Talking
There is nothing to listen to if one does not begin talking. A conversation, a night spent sharing what bothers you with a friend could, as if miraculously, bring a person out of an emotional hole. Feeling heard, understood, and if you’re lucky, feeling seen could make all the difference. Those little miracles can happen only when one interacts with other humans face-to-face, and shares one’s feelings openly. On the other hand, not speaking to people and keeping what’s inside you could be very emotionally taxing. As humans, we’re social, we’re meant to share. We’re not meant to be isolated and feel alone (Graham-Felsen, 2025).
However, how do you ask for support when you need it? How can you expect a listening ear if you don’t reach out to your friends and share your feelings with them? We need to talk to others, that is the way, to not be alone and not be lonely. As already shown, because of the way we’ve been brought up, for ages, men find reaching out and opening up about emotional stuff particularly difficult. This is why at the end of this text, my appeal goes especially to men: go and reach out to your guy friends. When you spend time with them at the pub, ask them how they are. If they say just “good”, then ask again and again.
By being genuinely interested and patient, you provide the surface for even those, who don’t yet know how to express their feelings, to slowly come out of their shell. The path to more men learning how to open up goes through creating a new social environment for us, where talking about emotions and reaching out to friends is the new normal. In the same way that we were taught not to share and be vulnerable, we can learn to be emotional again. It’s not a process that happens overnight and, if we’re being realistic, will probably take decades, if not longer. Men have a long journey ahead of us, back to our emotions - allowing, recognizing, expressing, and sharing them with others. The sooner we begin the process of getting in touch with our feelings, the sooner we’ll be able to create a new societal dynamic where men feel, connect, and speak, on a deeply emotional level. Because such changes always take time to enact, we need to start now.
Don’t be afraid to get out there and inquire how people are doing, perhaps even making new friends while at it. Write that one old buddy from high school that you used to hang out with, but you never actually approached. And, next time the situation arises, say to that one male friend: “I will let you know when I can hang out. I will call you.” Don’t shift the responsibility to others because you never know what’s holding them back. It probably is the same social stigma that is keeping most of us, men, in a closed eggshell. There, we keep and keep our feelings hidden and locked until we burst out, hurting ourselves and others in that destructive process. Put yourself out there and talk about your emotions, thereby allowing your friends to do the same. Be the example. Be the first one from your group to go out there and be vulnerable. Reach out and talk to your male friends!
ReferencesAhmmed, B., & Khan, A. (2024). Key factors contributing to emotional suppression in male adolescents. Journal of Adolescent and Youth Psychological Studies, 5(5), 146-154. https://doi.org/10.61838/kman.jayps.5.5.17
Bennett, S., Robb, K. A., Adán-González, R., Zortea, T. C., & O’Connor, R. C. (2024). Psychosocial factors distinguishing men who have attempted suicide from men with suicidal ideation and non-suicidal men: Findings from a global survey. Journal of Men’s Studies, 33(1), 30-61. https://doi.org/10.1177/10608265241256258
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Nordin, T., Degerstedt, F., & Valmari, E. G. (2024). A scoping review of masculinity norms and their interplay with loneliness and social connectedness among men in Western societies. American Journal of Men’s Health, 18(6), 1-14. https://doi.org/10.1177/15579883241304585
Reddit. (2022), How do you ask your male friends how they feel? [Online forum post]. r/AskMen. https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/tialoq/how_do_you_ask_your_male_friends_how_they_feel/
United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime. (2019). Global study on homicide. https://www.unodc.org/unodc/en/data-and-analysis/global-study-on-homicide-2019.html
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World Health Organization. (2021). Suicide rates. https://www.who.int/data/gho/data/themes/mental-health/suicide-rates